DEAR ABBY: Wrinkle in family dynamics can be hard to describe (2024)

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a daughter, “Rebecca,” I placed for adoption when I was a teenager. Long story short, we have reunited. We not only have a wonderful relationship, but I have a great relationship with Rebecca’s adoptive mom, and my husband and children (with my husband) all have an open and caring relationship with her.

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Fast-forward to my recent visit with Rebecca. She and I were out, and we ran into a friend of hers. She introduced me by saying, “This is Sally, my birth mother.” I had no problem with it and received a warm reception from her friend (who, I think, did have some “backstory” knowledge).

However, my later thoughts led me here: If the situation would be reversed, and I would be introducing her to someone, what do I say? There’s NO term for our “status.” I think of her as my daughter, but most people who have known me and my husband for 30 years or so don’t know I had a child as a teenager.

I love Rebecca, who is 50 now. Why isn’t there a term to describe who she is to me (without long explanations)? I feel like this relationship needs a term, too. — REUNITED IN LOUISIANA

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DEAR REUNITED: Try this on for size: When you introduce your daughter to someone who hasn’t met her before, say, “I’d like you to meet my oldest daughter, Rebecca.”

DEAR ABBY: I am 43, and I have been talking to this guy for seven months. We agree that we aren’t dating, and we are best friends with benefits. But it seems as though we spend all our time together and that we are basically dating, but without the title. How do I get this commitment-phobe to realize we should be together without actually telling him? It would scare him off. — LACKING STATUS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR LACKING: To you, the relationship you have with this guy seems like dating. To him, it’s friends with benefits. Nothing will change unless the two of you can have an honest conversation. If his way of handling it is to head for the hills — after seven months — then he really isn’t what you’re looking for. Sorry.

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DEAR ABBY: I have a woman friend I take out to lunch every once in a while. I often pay the check. When she goes back home to her husband, he’s upset that she didn’t bring something back for him. He tells my friend, “It’s what partners do.”

Abby, these people are not without food or the means to get it. Neither one is starving, and he doesn’t bring back anything for her when he goes out. What are your thoughts on this? — NOT BUYING FOR TWO

DEAR NOT BUYING: The next time you take this friend to lunch, if she asks to order something for her husband, tell her it’s fine with you, but his portion of the check will be on HER.

P.S. And if that’s “what partners do” for each other, it shouldn’t be a one-way street. What a manipulator!

— Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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